Houston, We have a Problem

I always thought that your gag reflex is less reactive in the morning. Ok, maybe I didn't always think that, but at least for the last few years.

Perhaps I just haven't had enough practice swallowing chokeable size objects... Maybe I just haven't really had the desire to teach my body to dull the explosive lunges when something too large and foreign gets mixed in the milieu of what enters my pie hole. I mean... c'mon, there's a reason why we have such a reflex - it's to save our life in times of crises and such. Besides, it's not like I'm some kind of daily carnival sword swallower or fire eater - although some of my friends may disagree from time to time - just in very different circumstances. (Watch your dirty little minds there! That's not what I meant!) I've also determined that I don't have GERD, anorexia nervosa, or anxiety issues.

So, on the same note, I also love brushing my teeth. Don't mix up the previous paragraph with this one - I don't enjoy swallowing vibrating power toothbrushes either.

Now this morning, while cleaning my pearly whites a second time, I learned something new. Apparently, heavy caffeine ingestion decreases gag reactionary time, while increasing the intensity of your forward lurch. These are two things you should never mix, especially when you're in a small doorway, going down stairs, in front of a wall, or a mix of all three.

I had gotten a little carried away 1/2 an hour earlier while stirring my cup of artificially sweetened motor oil, and accidentally splashed some coffee onto my shirt. I go home to change, and brush my teeth the second time this morning. *bbbbbuuuuuuuzzzzzzzz* the electric toothbrush sings as I walk around the house looking for a new shirt. The vibrating head touches the side of my tongue, and BAM! Gag reflex!

Silly me, I forgot there were things like walls at home.

I careen forward and smack my forehead on the painted surface, then, ambulance lights quickly flashing in front of me, I stumble backward from the 3rd Newtonian Prophecy out the doorway. Right next to the doorway and bruised wall, there's a staircase. Losing balance, I practically tumble down the staircase, but grab the hand rail in the nick-of-time to prevent a brutal six o'clock news story.

Learning from a previous experience, I quickly apply toothpaste to my forehead to prevent any bruising. Time to head back to work... just remember to wipe the toothpaste off before going through the front door, and preferably before I step out of my car. Although... I might be able to pull the look off if I had cinnamon toothpaste.