Racers, Start Your Engines

My name's BP. My favorite smell is air, favorite taste is water, and my blood type is coffee. In a state of emergency, or out of medical necessity, this information will come in handy. Thank you for choosing heebe-jeebie emergency transport today.

I never used to drink that much coffee. Nowadays the oil colored liquid just happens across my plate out of boredom - translation: only at work. Apparently, the jittery concentration, required to calm the microcosmic body rumbles, keeps me awake. Today I ordered something called a "Red Eye" with heavy cream and four sugars. Lord, take pity on us all. Take mercy on the overactive kidneys and excited colon that I will surely experience in about 30 minutes.

Now, don't get me wrong - I have a glorious history with the smile inducing stimulant known as caffeine. In high school, I had an involved love affair with energy drinks and sexy little white friends known as caffeine tablets. Modern science is a true wonder when you can consume the caffeine equivalent of six cups of coffee in something smaller than a grape. Even better than said grape, is that you don't have chew the energy eliciting pellets, and you can wash it down with caffeine infused liquid sugar. Isn't that fantastic - all the spunk, without the funk!?

Because of the caffeine IV I had permanently attached to my forearm back then, had I been a young wholesale scarlet woman, I'd have had miscarriages left and right, up and down, in and out. Good thing I wasn't, and the only Miss Carriage I know is no more than a racy drag queen I met on the street one snowy night in Montreal.

Besides getting more done in two weeks than I have the rest of my beautiful life, I remember one thing from high school. In class one day, I noticed the teacher stopped lecturing and the class had turned around to eye me. I asked what their problem was, then noticed that bolts were coming unscrewed and falling off of my desk from nervous shaking. I stopped using my little over-the-counter friends and their liquid gang bangers a few days later.

It's different now. Today's quadruple shot infused drip coffee is more of a hobby - an exploration in the limits of other people's psyche and taste buds. Mousy asks what I want. I say, "Get me a Red Eye with heavy whipping cream." Bewildered, Mousy searches through her mental Rolodex of drip and espresso drinks, only to come up blank faced. "Ok, I'll see if they know what that is." She returns a few minutes later, handing me a brown, heat insulated cup. Mousy says, "I asked for one, and they just started buzzing around the machines turning knobs and letting steam go every which way." I gleefully eye it and add my sugar packets. New Girl stands at the front of my desk complaining about how tired she is, even tho she went to sleep at 10. I went to sleep at 2.

While looking for a cup, I smirk and respond, "Well here, have some of this. You'll wake up in a few seconds." Not finding a cup, I get a Styrofoam bowl and pour her two ounces. She looks at me and scoffs, "Ok, I'll just lick it out of the bowl like a dog." Noticing her tongue isn't long enough, I find a colorful espresso cup on my desk and transfer the warm liquid. "Drink it!" I order. She takes a sip and makes a face like a cat's ass. I guess she didn't like it. But, she finishes it and immediately starts puttering around. I greedily throw the last 10 ounces down my gullet. Wait five minutes, and we have liftoff!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go work, and then visit the lou every five minutes. While working at godspeed, I'll remind myself that I'm glad I'm not a cafe-fiend anymore - it's all in the namesake of keeping awake and entertained... during the workday.