The Hospital

"Hello, I'm here for my appointment at 3:30," the short foreign woman says. She is dressed in a black frock, printed with faded yellow flowers.

"Ok, you will need to fill out these papers," the brown eyed receptionist says, handing the short woman a clipboard. Going on, the receptionist asks, "What is your name?"

The woman, rocking on her heels, says, "Ivanna Anus - spelled Enos," and produces a picture id. The astonished receptionist glances at the plastic card, and slightly chuckles to herself as Ivanna turns away, pen in hand.

You, dear reader, might ask, "This couldn't have happened really! Is it true?!" To which, I respond, "Undoubtedly true."

A lot of funny stuff goes on in hospitals that people never notice. Instead, most people choose to be bothered with their momentary life-threatening paper cuts, commonly exacerbated by a stack of medical forms, and quickly relieved with an unprescribed Vallium from their friendly pocket pharmacy.

My friend O has a friend who works at a hospital here in the Southwest. For some unknown reason, O's friend was named Peekaboo.

Perhaps Peekaboo's parents were incredibly talented infant psychologists, and simply got caught up on the work of Jean Piaget. Perhaps it was a number of all natural mind-altering substances her parents ingested during the 60's that influenced her naming. It wouldn't even be that far off to speculate that Peekaboo's parents were part of the group that changed Arnold (Gerry) Dorcy's name to Engelbert Humperdinck. Whatever the reason, I wonder if Peekaboo has ever stopped to question her job in the Intensive Care Unit at her hospital. I'd imagine it would go something like this:

*phone rings* Peekaboo answers it and says, "Peekaboo, ICU."

Now, everything being equal, I wonder how many people actually notice the double entendre that just happened over the phone, or how many simply blurt out, "Hi, I'm a new patient, and I need an appointment with Doctor Z." More than that, I wonder how many people realize they shouldn't make an appointment as an ICU patient... It's like making an appointment in the ER - it just invites bad juju.

Now in a department different than the ICU, we have J, who's completing rounds. One of his patients is an elderly man, about 65 years old. J walks into the room, going over Old Man's chart. "I noticed that you broke your leg, but you look to be doing well otherwise. So, how did you break your leg," J asks.

The old man, eyes slightly cloudy from age responds, "I was driving my car, and couldn't figure out how to stop it. So, I opened up my car door, and tried to stop the car with my foot. That didn't work, and I ran into my neighbor's backyard wall. My car stopped then."

One of J's eyes gets bigger as that brow rises, and the other one squints slightly, indicating unsure disbelief. "Huh? You tried to stop your car with your leg... like Fred Flintstone?" The old man's eyes glitter, as he smiles at J and responds, "Yabba-dabba-doo."

And last but not least, dear reader, besides listening well to medical things going on in your vicinity, you should read closely as well. You might end up with a notation by a doctor in your chart saying, "Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid." If you know only two things about human anatomy, they should be: you sit on your rectum, and your thyroid is located in your neck - usually a few feet away. I guess this patients doctor just had VERY long fingers to examine with. Oh boy... and could you get me the number to that doctor?