New Girl

It's amazing what goes on in the office when no one is around... or at least when you think no one is around.

It happens a lot around here. I'll get all my work for the week done before Tuesday, and the rest of the time I"ll be looking for something to do. *sigh* And to think it used to take two people to do the work I do, and they couldn't finish it in five days, let alone two days with TWO PEOPLE.

It's not as quiet now that we have New Girl. I'm in the front room. She likes the back room. I wonder sometimes if she jumps up and down in the back, swiveling madly in circles on her armless chair, bouncing around to her telephonic ringtones. She has two kids, and a husband that is too shiesty. One day, I said, "Tell me about you. Tell me about your life." Boy, I wasn't prepared for the three hour epic that composed the last nine months of New Girl's life. That's OK, I had some Cheetos to entertain me and add to the story with it's cheesy, crunchy sensations.

New Girl stands in front of my desk, leaning in to tell me about how her husband went to the Big House, and she had to bail him out - only to find out that he was shacking up w/ Another Woman. Another Woman kept trying to stir up a tussle with New Girl over the phone. Another Woman is too trashy.

So, New Girl shows up at Another Woman's house with her two kids and says to them, "Here's my phone, stay in the car and lock the doors. If I don't come back, call 911."

Crazyness ensues.

New Girl bangs on Another Woman's front door and asks for her husband for 15 minutes to which no one responds. New Girl yells to her kids, "Get my shovel from the trunk!"

Now, at this point, I'm thinking, "OMG, New Girl killed both Another Woman and her husband and buried them both in Another Woman's front yard! That's juicy!" More Cheetos, and a few Doritos enter my mouth.

She grabs her shovel and starts taking out her aggression. Poor truck didn't have a chance to look twice. Oh, the Automanity!!!

CLANG CLANG CLANG went the shovel,
SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE went the paint,
OH MY GOD! went her husband,
At that moment he fell from being a saint.

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...
...

That really didn't happen, you know. I have an overactive imagination, sometimes to the melody of old showtunes.

I don't remember what happened exactly; that's what the cheesy sodium overload caused me to believe what happened.

Apparently, New Girl's husband came running out to save his truck from marital armageddon and New Girl laid it down - "Get your S**t out of my house if you're going to be here, or come home NOW!"

More cheesy poofs.

Now New Girl's husband is at home. Guess who wears the pants in the relationship? New Girl comes home and says, "Are you going to start dinner?"
"Why don't we just get something to eat?"
"I don't think you heard me. Are you going to start Dinner?"
New Girl's husband's tail goes between his legs and he sulks toward the kitchen.

Remind me to never get New Girl angry...